


Harry Potter and the Minivan of Magical Misfits

by toutcequonveut



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Canonical Character Death, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack-ish, Gen, Hint of Drarry if you squint, Horcrux Hunting, Humor, It's Crabbe, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, One Shot, The Minivan AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25311055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toutcequonveut/pseuds/toutcequonveut
Summary: THERE 👏 WAS 👏 ROOM 👏 FOR 👏 DRACO 👏 IN 👏 THE 👏 MINIVANOr, the 3k fic version of a Tumblr post I saw.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	Harry Potter and the Minivan of Magical Misfits

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this Tumblr post](https://baegoalsandcreamcheese.tumblr.com/post/618202939693137920/drarryking-kombatkraze-ubernoona)
> 
> I was originally planning on a little scene, 1k at the most, but now I want to write the backstory of how the 7th book would have gone in this minivan au 😂 Not that I have any time to write it...

_CRASH!_

Stone and wood splintered everywhere, and a huge cloud of dust ballooned upwards, obscuring the sight of just what had caused such tremendous wreckage to the Room of Requirement. Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, and Vincent Crabbe stood with wands pointed towards the source of the disturbance. They were coughing uncontrollably, though, unable to resist in the face of whatever it was that had just rammed its way through the wall of the Room.

A high-pitched squeak began to sound rhythmically, and as the dust settled, the majestic sight of one (1) battered beige minivan with windshield wipers whipping furiously back and forth as if they could physically wipe away the particles of stone in the air came into view. The windshield itself was miraculously intact and did nothing to obscure a very pissed Hermione Granger in the driver’s seat. She began to hammer on the horn, a sound which none of the three Purebloods in the van had ever heard before and which proceeded to shock their robes into attempting to crawl off their bodies and hide. Seriously, the fabric was straining towards the ground.

No, on second thought, that was the doing of one Harry Potter in the passenger seat, currently attempting to use a Sticking Charm to affix his adversaries to the floor so he and his motley crew could finish their Horcrux hunt unimpeded. It was a valiant attempt, until Malfoy stripped off his robe in one fluid motion. Harry gulped with a suddenly dry mouth, train of thought utterly distracted. Surely _anyone_ with eyes would be stunned, though, at the sudden sight of all that–

“HARRY!” Ron shouted. “Eyes on the prize!” Quickly, he wound down the window in the backseat and propelled himself half out the window, pointing his wand and shouting, “Stupefy!”

Crabbe fell to the ground, and Harry quickly used a spell to wrap the Slytherin up and Stick him to the ceiling. He was fairly certain he wouldn’t be distracted if Crabbe stripped naked before him, but you could never be too sure (and wow, he had not expected _that_ rumor about Pureblood wix to be true, but Malfoy clearly had had nothing on beneath those robes).

“Potter! Have you come for a taste of this?” Malfoy taunted. 

Now it was Hermione’s turn to wind down the window as fast as her arm could move. “Move it, Malfoy!” she commanded, slamming the horn again. Startled, Malfoy stepped to the side, and Hermione gunned the accelerator before he could rethink his actions. 

Harry managed to tear his eyes off Malfoy and started looking along the lakeshore inside the Room of Requirement. It was a version he’d never seen before: the center of the Room was mostly occupied by the lake with mist rolling off the center. Around the edges was a small strip of rocky shore leading down into the water’s depths. It was all very tranquil and magnificent, though Harry had had quite enough of mysterious lakes since Dumbledore’s life-changing (more specifically, life-ending) field trip around this time last year. Still, he never would have expected Voldemort to hide one of his Horcruxes in such a misty, mystically beautiful place.

In contrast to the serenity of the lake, Hermione’s steering was sending the minivan careening around the edges of the lakeshore. Harry spared a glance backwards and caught sight of a clothed Goyle and a decidedly unclothed Malfoy giving chase to them. Ron was running interference, shooting spells to raise earth behind them to form physical barriers between the Horcrux Hunters and the hunters of the Horcrux Hunters. 

Harry turned his attention back to the lake, scanning the room for anything resembling Ravenclaw’s diadem. He had been so certain it would be in here, and Malfoy’s presence gave additional evidence to that theory, but the Room was just so _bare._ Everything was visible in one sweeping glance, and there was definitely nothing tiara-shaped. 

Wait a second. No, everything on the _ground_ was immediately visible. Harry turned his attention outwards to the lake, and immediately spotted the answer. 

“Hermione!” he yelled over the sounds of the horn she was still slamming and Ron’s shouted spells. “It’s in the middle of the lake! I can see a bit of land!”

“Oh, brilliant!” she shouted back. “Next time maybe you can go to a used car dealership and buy an _amphibious_ minivan so we can just drive on over there!”

Harry stared at his friend for a second. “You’re the brightest witch of this age,” he stated incredulously. “Do you really think a little thing like driving on water is beyond your capabilities?”

“Oh right,” Hermione admitted sheepishly. She finally removed her hand from the horn and snatched her wand from the cupholder between them and passed it to her left hand, aiming it behind and under the van. “Get ready, Harry! Ron! To the right, on the lake!” 

On cue, Ron cast his earth-raising spell as Hermione cast its counter behind them. The resulting land bridge rose instantaneously at his command, springing into place beneath the tired tires even as it disappeared just as quickly under Hermione’s spell. Malfoy and Goyle were left waving angrily on the lakeshore, indignantly accusing Harry and his friends of everything from cowardice to bastard status.

“I’m pretty sure all of our parents were married,” Harry mused. “I wonder if his were? Seems Malfoy’s a bit overly sensitive.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that right now,” Hermione mumbled. She pulled her hand back into the van, figuring that this far into the lake was enough that she could focus on driving again. 

“Are we almost there?” Ron asked, not taking his eyes off the road he was creating. 

“Reckon so. I saw it… yes, just here! A little more to the left, there we go!” Harry was opening the passenger door before Hermione had even stopped moving. He leapt out of the minivan and stood up straight, bowing his back and wiggling about in the universal dance known to anyone who has ever been on a road trip. “Freedom!” he cried.

“Not until we find that Horcrux,” Hermione said crossly.

“You heard Hermione, Harry. I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to. This place gives me the _creeps,_ ” Ron whined, not taking his eyes off the coast of the small island. It was unlikely Malfoy and his cronies would manage to make their way across the lake that quickly, but you could never be sure. It was so _misty!_ They’d have to have all their senses on alert to avoid getting taken by surprise. Just look what had happened when they’d gone through the car wash. Ron shuddered at the memory of those ominously huge brushes, coming closer and closer. Hermione and Harry had assured him there was nothing to be frightened of, but Ron would beg to differ.

“Hey, there’s a door here!” Harry called back. “And a little mailbox too…” 

“Harry, maybe you shouldn’t open that mailbox,” Hermione advised. 

“Okay,” Harry agreed easily. He switched his attention to the sturdy wooden door that didn’t appear to be attached to anything. It didn’t _look_ anything like the Veil in the Department of Mysteries, and it was solid… extending his wand as far out as he could, Harry conjured a rock at the end and used it to knock three times.

The door swung open.

It turned out that standing back was a wise decision, not because Harry was sucked into a portal that would utterly remove him from this world, but because it prevented him from getting buried underneath the six students, two rabbits, a bag of half-eaten carrots, and a magpie that came tumbling out of the door. 

“Harry Potter!” exclaimed one of the students. They looked to be around fourteen and were dressed in Ravenclaw robes. “Thank goodness you’re here. Ginny and Neville told us to hide in here when Malfoy and his goons got in, and then we didn’t know how or when it would be safe to come out, though now seems like the right time.”

“I’m pan,” a student in Slytherin robes deadpanned. 

“Haha, very funny, I never should have told you that Muggle euphemism for telling people your sexuality,” grumbled a Hufflepuff student. Contrary to her griping, her hands intertwined with the Slytherin student’s, and she pulled them in for a quick kiss. 

“You were all living here all year?” Harry asked incredulously.

“Yep,” the Slytherin replied, enunciating the ‘p’ so it reverberated through the Room. “Not sure how we ended up _here_ here, you understand. We were hiding in a door in the usual Room.”

“Well, get in already!” Hermione huffed. “We’re on a tight schedule and we’re hoping to get out of this with no one killed.”

Ron slid open the back door of the minivan, and the kids began to file obediently inside.

“Hey,” Harry said, inspiration striking him. “Does this magpie belong to any of you?”

“Mine,” replied a second- or third-year Gryffindor. 

“Does it listen to you?”

A short moment later, Larrie the Magpie had taken off in search of anything sparkly with the promise of a stick of jerky if she found anything. Harry mentally thanked Ron for developing an addiction to cured meat products during the long months of the Horcrux-hunting road trip. Then he remembered he possessed the ability to speak and verbalized his thanks to Ron, as well as a second to Larrie for taking over the responsibility of finding the diadem itself. 

Soon, Larrie winged her way back over the water clutching a diamond-gilt object with a seriously malevolent aura in her beak. Harry held up the stick of jerky, and Larrie dropped the diadem as she swooped down, narrowly missing Harry’s head as she grabbed her reward. 

Hermione was already coming around the minivan, basilisk fang at the ready, when suddenly they both heard _“REDUCTO!”_

Harry cast _Protego_ before he was even aware of it, the shield barely holding up against the fury of Malfoy’s curse. Harry was a little disappointed to note that he was now clothed, albeit in a robe so short that it could only have been Transfigured from—yes, there was the rest of the robe, hanging off Crabbe just as short and yet not nearly as flattering.

“Look, Malfoy—” Harry began.

“No, _you_ look here!” Malfoy roared. The raw anguish in his voice immediately had everyone frozen because this was _Malfoy,_ and he had never sounded like this before. “I don’t want to kill you. I don’t want to kill _anyone,_ least of all the little firsties over there.”

“Hey!” squawked one of the Ravenclaws. “I’m a fifth year!”

“Don’t care,” Malfoy rebuked swiftly. “The point is, as far as I’m concerned, the Dark Lord has got all of us caught in the crossfire when it’s really just a personal dispute between himself and Potter here. So here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to come along with me, I’m going to take you to the Dark Lord, and then I’m going to find my parents and head off across an ocean, preferably three, and get _out_ of this madness.”

“And why would I do that?” Harry shot back.

“Because if you don’t, I’m going to have to do something very nasty, and it might hurt some of these kids.” Malfoy jerked his chin at the students in question who were beginning to grasp the extreme gravity of the current situation. “I already said I don’t want to do that, so it’s best for you if you just agree.”

“You really think—” Ron began hotly.

“Do you promise?” Harry cut him off. “If I come along with you, do you promise you or Crabbe or Goyle won’t hurt anyone?”

“On my honor as a Pureblood wizard,” Malfoy replied solemnly.

“Harry,” Hermione hissed. “I don’t think this is such a good idea!”

“I think it is,” Harry murmured. Raising his voice, he announced, “Let me do one thing first.” Before anyone could move, he snatched the basilisk fang from Hermione’s hand and plunged it into the diadem on the ground, which let out an unearthly shriek of devastation.

Straightening up as if he hadn’t just destroyed a portion of Voldemort’s soul, Harry said, “Okay, you’ve got me. Where to now?”

Malfoy was staring at him as if he hadn’t expected such an easy resolution. “I…”

“Th-that was the Dark Lord!” Crabbe whispered. “You just did something to harm His Darkness!”

“Er, yes,” Harry replied. “It’s kind of what I do. Chosen one? Prophecy? Any of those ring a bell?”

It was only his Seeker training that allowed him to dodge the Crucio Crabbe cast. 

Hermione was already scrambling through the passenger door and clambering into the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, Ron snatched the robe necks of the two students still outside the minivan and bodily tossed them inside. “Harry, get your arse in here!” he roared, climbing into his seat holding the two rabbits and sliding the door shut with a slam. 

“Trying!” Harry gasped. He was a bit occupied with trying to dodge Crabbe’s crazed casting.

“How _dare_ you!” Crabbe ranted. “This was _finally_ my year, I got to do whatever I wanted and didn’t have to listen to Draco because everyone knows he’s a disgrace—”

“Hey!” Malfoy yelped. 

“—and the Carrows actually understood what I wanted and I was _thriving,_ and it’s all thanks to the Dark Lord, only now _you_ want to undo all that! Well, I won’t let you! I don’t care what Draco says, because he’s a weak little coward who isn’t _man_ enough to stand with the rest of us proud Purebloods—”

“Now that’s just uncalled for,” Malfoy squawked. “Not to mention indicative of the toxic masculinity you’ve always steeped yourself in.”

“ARRRRGH!” Crabbe screamed, and then _something_ began to leak out of his wand. Something oily, yet alive and _writhing._ At first, Harry thought it was some kind of disgusting wand pus, but then the flickering shapes began to coalesce into pumas and polar bears and pythons. The furious energy of the beasts seemed to be affecting Crabbe, too, because he started laughing maniacally, spreading his arms out wide and tilting his head up to the ceiling. The fiery animals wound around his body in an instant, and the laughter cut off abruptly.

Everyone stared in horror at what had been Crabbe, and then one of the fiery peacocks turned its sightless eyes on Malfoy and Goyle. 

“That’s Fiendfyre!” Hermione choked. “Harry, get into this minivan right now.” She took a deep breath, then addressed the other two. “Malfoy and Goyle, you too. I said we didn’t want anyone to die, and that includes you.”

Malfoy wasted a precious second gaping at her, during which time Goyle revealed his surprising agility. He was clambering through the sliding door Ron opened for him before Malfoy managed to pick his jaw up off the ground. “Come on, Draco!” Goyle called. “Let’s get out of here!”

Malfoy’s mouth shut, his chin firming. “I… can’t. Someone needs to stay here and keep the Fiendfyre from eating the whole school. And Father taught me how to control it.” Without looking, he snapped his wand out to the right, and the fire panda that had been stalking up on him stopped in its tracks. “I love this school. Hogwarts is, _was,_ my home. I won’t let it be burned to rubble by a cursed fire whose hunger cannot be sated.” He looked directly at Harry then, and added, “Can I tell you a secret, Potter? I think you might actually be able to defeat the Dark Lord. You’ve proven yourself to be that much of a hero, at any rate.”

“Malfoy—” Harry started.

“Tell my mother I love her.” With that, he turned and focused his full attention on battling the Fiendfyre that was now spreading to encompass the whole island. 

Hermione shifted the van into gear and took off. “Ron, start the bridge. Everyone, put your seatbelts on.” Her lips pursed into a thin line, her eyes utterly focused before her. “It’s going to be a wild ride.”

“But Hermione, we can’t just _leave_ him here!” Harry protested.

“He said he wanted to…” Goyle trailed off uncertainly. 

“No, he said he _had_ to. And if there’s one thing I know about obligations, it’s that half the time they’re all in your own bloody head! There’s _always_ another way!” Harry bit his lip. “But it’s true that there aren’t enough seats…” 

Hermione spared a sideways glance at Harry at that, earning all her passengers a terrifying moment as she hydroplaned a little before swerving back on course. “Harry, I literally can’t believe you can make such a strong speech and then end it like that. If you think he wants to be saved, and you want to find a way to save him? Then there. Is. Room. For. Draco. In. This. Minivan.” 

“How, though?” Harry despaired.

Hermione bit her lip in thought, chewing it nervously as the car neared the lakeshore. On reaching dry land, she turned abruptly and put the car in park, punching the stereo until _Eye of the Tiger_ began playing from the minivan’s crackly speakers. “Harry, cast Wingardium Leviosa on this van and fly us up over the island on the side closer to the door. Ron, lower your window,” she barked. 

The students in the back screamed as the van lurched to the side. “Sorry!” Harry tossed over his shoulder. “It’s a bit harder to control this thing than it looks!” 

“And I thought Hermione’s driving was rough,” Ron commented, looking a little green.

“We all knew you couldn’t have done it any better,” Hermione sniped. “I still can’t believe you were both such bad drivers that your dad’s car developed enough sentience to throw you out and go live in the Forbidden Forest.”

“That’s not exactly what happened—” Harry began.

“Don’t care,” Hermione responded in an eerie echo of Malfoy’s earlier words. “ _Accio_ Draco Malfoy!”

And there was Draco Malfoy, looking very surprised as he came shooting up to the minivan hovering near the ceiling. Hermione jerked him through Ron’s window, dumping him unceremoniously in the redhead’s lap. 

“What are you _doing?”_ Malfoy spluttered indignantly. “Did we not discuss how I have to be the one to stay down there and put this fire out?”

“Well, do it from up here,” Hermione bit out. “None of us were looking to die here, yes? Good. Glad we agree. Now put on your _bloody_ seatbelt, Malfoy.”

Malfoy did as he was told. 

_He probably doesn’t even know what a seatbelt is,_ Harry mused.

“It’s harder to control Fiendfyre from further away, though. I’m going to need more magic now…” Then, Malfoy leaned out the window. “Potter,” he stated. “I need your help. Point your wand at the Fiendfyre to focus your magic and then _will_ it to listen to your command. And you have to make that command what you want more than anything right now, which should be for this fire to _stop eating the damn school.”_

Harry nodded and aimed his wand at once. Hogwarts was his first home, and he’d be damned if he let a piddly old fire try and take it from him. Voldemort was somewhere outside on the grounds, and he was already trying to destroy everything Harry loved. No use in letting the Fiendfyre help him with that.

The minivan dropped a bit when Harry dropped the levitation spell and Hermione took it over, but Harry didn’t have a moment to notice that. He was utterly focused on concentrating his feelings of rage, indignation, and sorrow at the cursed fire. Together, under Harry’s and Malfoy’s magic, the Fiendfyre abated until there wasn’t even the smallest spark.

There _was,_ however, a lot of smoke. Hermione hit the windshield wipers again, but as before, this did very little to improve visibility. “Well, thank goodness at least for internal air recirculation!” Hermione said brightly. “It’d be way harder to save us all if I were coughing so hard I couldn’t cast.” So saying, she nodded at Harry to take over levitation duty. Then, she wound the window down the tiniest crack and fired at the wall, _“Reducto!”_

And the Minivan of Magical Misfits flew out into the Hogwarts corridor to join the battle.


End file.
